I didn’t know jealousy could drive a person mad.
I didn’t know jealousy could make a sane person mad too.
I didn’t know jealousy could make a smart person stupid.
I can only count the number of times he has said yes whenever I invited him to come over because most of the time he’d always turn me down for reasons he thinks are valid. But if HE comes up with the invitation, I’d drop whatever it is that I have been doing and be right over so fast he just had the time to put his down after telling me so.
Tonight he just had an invitation from a friend (please note the word dripping with heavvy sarcasm) from his previous work. The conversation was soo stilted and sooooo tense I could cut it with a knife.
“Uy, you have a date?” I went.
“It’s hardly a date. There will be other people besides us.”
“It’s still a date because she invited you. The rest of the people are just a front or a background for her.”
“You do go out with men, too, so that means you go out on dates?”
“Its not like that because I go with different kinds of people. Unlike your invitation which is constant.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. It doesn’t matter.”
“Why are you mad? I was just asking.”
“I’m tired of talking about something when I know it doesn’t have any point at all in talking.”
“there is a point. I am trying to logicalize the situation. Women are somehow manipulative. I am trying to look at the motive of the invitation. Don’t worry I won’t ask anymore.”
“I said I don’t know. Whatever. I’m just too stressed.”
“Ok. Sleep then. You need it.”
“K. Good night. Take care.”
…and I didn’t text back. I was so upset. I remember him saying before that he liked having no girlfriend at this time because he wanted to explore and having one means he’d sticking to one person all his life. He is in his early 30’s for heaven’s sake. He must have gone past that stage, hasn’t he? Men really take that long to mature and get past his being a bachelor.
Oh, why did I have to be such a woman? Why did I have to ASK and PROD and PRY and BE A WOMAN a man doesn’t want to be with? Even though I know he’d be irritated, I just can’t seem to stop myself. Although the whole approach was logical, it still sounded accusatory. I hate to be that woman. I don’t even want to go out with myself if I’m like that. I hate entirely what my feelings for him are doing to my behavior and the ideals that I always stick up with.
Was he upset? Clearly, he sounded annoyed. I hated myself for asking THE questions but I can’t help it. I AM A WOMAN. Women always HAVE questions even if it means just asking for the time. The questions will forever keep on popping unless someone has the balls to answer them – or ask them in the first place.
If only men would be vocal about their feelings, then the world would probably have less problems. I am not saying that men make up ninety percent of the world’s problems but if only, ok, let’s be fair, if only, people would be so vocal about their problems – oh, yeah, and think about world peace right now, this minute, this instant – then, the war in Iraq wouldn’t have happened – nobody would be fighting right now and the world will be full of flowers and rainbows. That always happens after a rain and spring would bloom.
Its not good to be feeling bad about this. It’s not worth it. Why did I ever stick with him in the first place? Anyone reading this right now must have wanted to bonk me in the head for thinking with my vagina.
O just told me that before I lose my self-worth, I should stop seeing him or I should stop letting him torment me like that. There are a lot of guys worthy of my attention and he liked the guys that I’m seeing because they’re hot. And he wants me to hook up with John Hall whom he happened to see outside Chowabunga, eTelecare building having lunch with a fugly girl.
I am just upset. He did say that he was happy that he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet because he isn’t ready to stick to one person because he feels limited. That is a clear manifestation of a person who doesn’t want anything to do with me seriously. That is so sad. He prolly has no idea that I’m obsessing about this. Well, that’s always how its been — men, having no clue about it while the women are already on the verge of jumping over the cliff because of a missed call.
So, I am finally decided to break up with him. Pseudo-breakup to be exact.
I’m going to cry tonight. I just wanna mourn. It just so happened that I was wearing a black low cut shirt, black capris, my black beaded sandals, black bangles, and a black Cartier watch. Who died and made me Morticia Addams in capris? And to think i curled my hair tonight, I would have loved to dress up.
I have to go. This is upsetting.