Everything is going well, or so I think it is. I just have a feeling that because how I built up my feelings and how I express it, Sam must have been having this HUGE ego boost by now. Weird but I’ve realized that sometimes he is just full of himself. Maybe it is just a man’s inclination to impress. But haven’t we gone past that stage already? Well, just because we are still in our first month, the need to impress must still surpass the need to express. Or whatever it is that I’m mumbling about.
The thing is that whenever we talk on the phone, he hardly LISTENS to me. I mean, I seldom butt in but whenever I do he acts like he hasn’t heard what I was saying – or he just pretends to NOT listen. Both are still bad. Haha. And he makes me call him – he hardly calls. This is supposed to be a relationship, you know. Now, look.
“Hun, do you know that Sara is at home?”
“I am at Maxis. Looking at their menu.”
Now tell me what is wrong with this conversation?
And it happens all the time. Maybe we shouldn’t be talking on the phone at all. Okay, I might sound like a baby but I am spoiled and sometimes I need to be spoiled. Lol. I am really a different person when I am in a relationship because when my ex for six years and I were still together, I am very different. I am not the selfless girl that they think I am and the girl who never knows how to be mad. But when I am in a relationship, I am not myself. I get mad. I fight. I cry because I don’t get what I want. I yell. I shout. That – is – not – me.
I ALSO hate that the only time I get to talk is when he asks a question and naturally I’d have to answer. See? I am not like that with anyone else. Maybe that is why I vowed to myself that the next time I will be in a relationship, I will change. Definitely.
The last conversation we have for this day was him telling me about a concert in CDO which APO Hiking Society will be playing. I asked him if he wants to watch but of course there isn’t any way I’d watch it because that’ll be the night of Cookie’s party. But I asked him anyway and he said, “How could I watch it if I’m in Cebu?”
Pffft. Whatever. See? He really thinks that I’m waaaayy toooo in love with him. Then before we get off the phone he went, “Thanks for the call. I l—risk you.” Almost to the point of saying I love you. He must have thought that I heard the part where he stressed on the L for LOVE part before getting to RISK. Huh? And… for the record, there is noo way I’m telling him I love him when I don’t feel it yet. Maybe I’m IN LOVE – but that’s a TOTALLY different thing. Now I am sounding LIKE A GIRL. Hatechit.
So.. this Wednesday, I am going to be leaving for Cagayan de Oro again. Partly is because it’s Cookie’s birthday on Friday and Remy’s baby’s christening which I am going to be a godmother.
He doesn’t know about that, yet. He must have been thinking that I am going to Cagayan de Oro just because of him. Please hun… It’s not ALL about you, you know. I might be INTO YOU SO BAD its making me ACHE so much… but I do have a LIFE besides you and I’m GLAD for that because if I don’t, I might as well slit my wrists because the thought of being separated from your is TORTURE.
And I know that I am not the one to count but when was the last time you’ve been in Cebu for me?
Well anyway.. I’m uber excited for this weekend. Shucks. But what the hell. I got a whole outfit planned. The works. Just happy that I’m going home to go see family and friends this time.
Frankly, I’m getting tired. I’m not really cut out for this long distance thing. I know I told him we’d work it out and yes, I did commit to that but sometimes you know, it is just hard. Very hard. Especially when he is sooo hell-bent on getting me to CDO all the time. Well, this might be the last boat trip for sometime because I am going to be on schedule rotation and might get a schedule that sucks.
And there’s this thing about Franz’s Christening… yes, Remy’s baby. Remy is the sister of my dear ex-boyfriend. I wouldn’t know but he would definitely be there. I just know it. I just feel it. I am just glad that my friends will be there. At least it wouldn’t be awkward, right?
I was thinking of bringing Sam. Would he mind? Would he go? I know that he won’t. It’s just the kind of guy he is. He’d be like, “Go with your friends. I’ll just see you after.’” Naturally. He’d say that which is entirely good because I can enjoy the rest of the night without babysitting a date, right? I’d be worried all the time if he was okay which I know for certain that he wouldn’t exactly like it either. Plus, he wouldn’t want to be in a party where there are full of kids – or people in their early twenties.. something that he might not relate himself with.
Frustrating. Yes. Maybe I’d had to remind him that he is in fact my boyfriend and that sometimes he needs to be in every or SOME social events that I am in.
Haha. This is why I hate being in relationships now. All that pressure… all that brouhaha. Pfft. Do I really need all this? I was happy just being myself – being single, being with my girls – and sometims having occasional dates…. and no, I’m not saying i am not happy with him because I don’t depend on my happiness from him… but still… things WERE okay before he came.
Maybe we just need complication in our lives sometimes. Maybe. Maybe.