A friend sent me this essay slash article slash ranting about relationships that made me think twice about being in one.
It was all about being in a pseudo-relationship. Its like a relationship where you are together, but not really together. Others call it a plain mutual understanding where both of you actually have an understanding that you are going to be together but the establishment of boyfriend/girlfriend status hasn’t been set yet. You are almost like in a relationship but not quite yet. It doesn’t have the essentials to make it one.
You may have a verbal agreement about the situation that you are in or not. There may be some feelings, or not. You just let your gestures do the talking. There isn’t even any formal courtship involved, not that its still popular, Even if you are not together, your actions say otherwise. You are doing everything a couple does but claim each other as boyfriend girlfriend.
This stage usually happens one, after a breakup. You still love each other, you want to be with each other, but you are scared to delve back into the relationship bin where you both grew apart in the first place. You don’t want to get back together yet because you already know what’s it like to be back there. But still, considering how much you miss the person, its just a matter of convenience that you both happen to be still going out.
It can also happen, two, before getting involved into a relationship because you both are feeling it but still its possible that you don’t want to get serious yet which is why you’re still playing and testing the waters.
It can also happen, three, when the guy is already in a relationship with someone else and is stalling time until he can find the balls to break up with his present girlfriend. He’s not even cheating on you because you are not together to begin with.
This experience of being in a pseudorelationship can be fun – while it lasts – especially if both of you are just looking for someone to play with. You know that feelings are the most fragile toys of all, which is why playing with it can be risky.
What one can understand when being in one also is that he/she cannot expect that he/she has something to look forward to in the future because you are not sure of the future at all.
So why is it that almost all people would want to settle for this kind of setup when they’re not even sure if its going anywhere?
First, is just for the fun of it. Its almost like saying, “it’s better than not having anyone at all.” It might mean that while the real thing is not there yet, its great that we have someone to be with. I can almost hear women shriek, “Does that mean until someone better comes along!?” People are just after the giddy feeling of liking someone anyway. They believe that once they are already in a real relationship, they can kiss all forms of giddiness goodbye. Sad.Second, there is no commitment involved. They cannot commit. They are not ready to commit. They don’t know how to commit.Third, they are just after the perks of being with someone close to a boyfriend. Who else asks you how your day was? Who else do you need to tag along on friend’s birthdays? Who’s text message do you anticipate all the time every time the phone rings?Yes, all cloud 9 right? Of course not. Being in this situation also entails you to invest emotions and these emotions are real. In this setup, women are always the one slighted.
To start with, they can’t ask men to commit. Its not just a special request like reaching out the top of the shelf to get a bag. To them, its almost like asking them to tie themselves in a ball of chain and foil all hopes of ever experiencing freedom again. Bottomline, they can’t demand. Anything. Even just a measly date. Do they have the right at all, they’d ask. Is asking him to fetch in the middle of the night okay? Will bringing him along as your date to your besfriend’s wedding appropriate? There will forever be that uncertainty in this setup because of the unestablished role you have in his life. Nor can she expect that he’ll be there for her all the time. And getting green with jealousy doesn’t count either because either you have to bite your tongue and just watch other girls flirt with him and be embarrassed about your reaction when he just shrugs you off.
Next, there is always that possiblity of falling in love which women have a penchant of making a mistake of. Not only they are sure if he feels the same but also the act of telling him that you love him scares you. What if it’ll drive him away? what if he’ll no longer see you? What if, What if.
The what ifs and the questions will forever keep on coming.
This kind of relationship or whatnot might be fleeting. When disagreements settle in, there is no initiative to work things out unlike in a real relationship where couples actually talk it out and work things around. There will never be an “us” talk because there never was any ‘us’ — only a ‘you’ and ‘me’.
People can’t help but feel emotionally attached and get hurt in the process. If only they’ll feel pseudo-pain also but that’s not the case. One of the parties involved will then feel miserable if it never worked out then because somehow one of them would end up thinking that somehow there was something between them and they’ll just be thinking what if that something might be brought back and everything will be alright again.
There is actually a way to not get hurt. You can not think about the future and just enjoy the moment. You can enjoy the feeling and not think about the consequences or worry what will happen next.
Better? Stop settling for these kinds of relationships and settle for the real thing. But does the real thing have to go thru a pseudo-relationship before it can be qualified as real ?
Still, whatever makes you happy do it. The thing with pseudorelationships, its hardly the realy. It almost, but not quite.